In a large nutshell.

Today did not go too well. Come to think of it, neither did the week. Nor the month. And the couple months back. Why?

Because I have had to deal with strings of social problems and dilemmas, that’s why. These problems and dilemmas are probably too many to list now, and I probably can’t remember them all at this point anyway so I wouldn’t subject myself to another lab-test experiment. Rather be a rat on the street with tonnes of freedom and morsels of free food to boot.

But really - I have tried very hard to leave my past behind and move on. Apparently, as this post would seemingly suggest; I just can’t. They say the past will always come back to haunt you; I guess it’s really quite true. And it’s not just literally-speaking; like a ghost creeping up at you from the back (or side or front or whatever); it’s more of how ideas and lessons taken in and learnt from that past of yours that’re gonna affect the way you handle things NOW or even later on in life. And I have realized that until you do discover this about yourself, you’re gonna be unconsciously repeating the same damned mistakes you did in the past, probably only in different versions and disguises. I may elaborate if you stay.

I don’t want to be doing another “Down Memory Lane” episode, and I will not attempt to do so - it’ll probably only depress me further (and don’t you dare demand I move on from those ‘childish, innocent days which probably don’t mean nothing now’ because THEY DO as far as any kid’s transitional development from child to adulthood is concerned GOD DAMMIT. I am so sick and tired of people trying to act grown-up when you really only prove otherwise, by attempting to be SMART. And when I say SMART it doesn’t mean ACADEMIC smart, as some people suffering from inferiority complex might take it. SMART here refers to acting know-it-all with regards to life-living. And speaking of people with inferiority complex - I might just as well be talking about it later on in this potentially lengthy post.

SO where do I start? Let’s begin with whatever that pops up in my mind.

Ah. The issue of friends. Okay, since I do not wish to bore anyone or myself with the past, I will just go straight to the point: where art thou, dearest friend? I have spent years and even close to two decades searching for a true friend, only to have some slip through my fingers, while being repelled by others with values different to mine.

I am in a tertiary institution right now, and at the age of 21, I was hoping to have already found myself a great friend who I can readily count on any time of the day and night, as she could and would too with me. I managed to secure a number of friends… But time and troubles took their toll on our fragile bonds and had there been ten strands of bonds for each friend, about only two remain. Yes, for each and every friend. Right now.

You see, I have tried my best to be the friend that I desire so much for myself. I listen, I volunteer help where required just to see a friend smile, and I appreciate the good deeds a friend has done to me. But how is it that I never found anyone of them doing the same for me?

I listen. Here’s a typical scenario involving THEM as listeners:

Me: Hey, what’s wrong? You look really glum today.
Friend: Oh, I have got a problem with (insert problematic biatch/dickhead here).
Me: Oh, wanna talk about it with me?
Friend: *Pretends to be sheepish but starts rattling anyway for about a good half an hour with me trying to inject comfort and encouragement every now and then*.
Me: I feel you. I used to have about the same dilemma too. And it probably was the worst time of my life.
Friend: Really? Oh, and you know what’s the best part? (Insert aforementioned whore/gay here) did not even apologize to me! *Sighs dramatically before rattling on for the next half an hour*.
Me: …

Yeah. I kid you not. I’m not known for kidding or joking. I just don’t do those.

Other really disheartening conversations with friends involving simple, one-word replies on messenger when I try my best to start a decent conversation on more than one account and the lack of attention given to me while I open up to them about a problem AS THEY REQUESTED. Can you imagine the confusion? You ask for me to confide in you, only to leave me cold while you engage in another conversation with a passing friend while in the middle of my sharing without prior excusing yourself at the very least? Just simply depressing.

And to think I should already be getting over these things by the time I officially hit adulthood.

I volunteer help where required, to the point of being used and taken advantage of. I have never, in my deepest grains of consciousness ever had the slightest of intention to use or abuse any friend I have ever come across in my lifetime. Yet, I get told by my parents at specific occassions that I was being made use of without realizing. It was only when I noticed the extent to which I was sacrificing my time and effort for these people while they could have easily done the same for themselves did I feel like a complete fool. I was drowing in their sea of excuses while they ride the waves on a first-class yacht, telling me to lead the fucking ship away from sharks. And all the while I was only trying to help.

And currently I have a friend who although have tried on a reasonable number of occassions to be a good friend to me, have also recently been doing things a good friend shouldn’t. And whilst I am badgered by the urgency to tell her off, I am also held back more strongly by the simple fact that I am indebted to her deeds done to me before.

And while I try to be reasonable and understanding, some friends take full advantage of that. You claim to be a good friend of mine, and we have been so for almost a year and a half. And during this period, were a handful of occassions when we would go out to do shopping. Problem is, I never had the money, but you will continue with your shopping spree while I am left to wait. Once, twice, or even thrice is fine. But anymore than that I am sure even the most understanding friend will start to feel out of place and even forsaken. Have you never considered how I felt? You are lucky to have been born in a well-to-do family. And as such, you will never understand my circumstances. Not like I expect that from you anymore.

Even help that I get from you had to be asked for. I will never let my starving friend go without a meal when I’ve got enough for a cab from home to town and back.

Anyway. Today I said things that hurt my boyfriend too. And I need to console him as much I can, because although I hurt him with my words, I never meant to. I have apologized, but I guess I will need to do much more. Apparently my words stung him much too deep. A woman’s mouth is never her best friend.

I have a lot more to write. Will do so soon.